Sha Elektra

i will always be partial towards you; doesnt matter how much you've torn me apart, becos this is it; i am who i am now because you are a part of my life.

it's so hard to let go. try as i might, i can't. i guess one will never understand how much i am willing to put in for friendships. i can say fuck it but how often do i really mean it? we're all so vulnerable. so easy to get hurt.

laughter and gladness, joy and glee. but you'll never realise how painful it is -- for me.


wah fuck it lah i shouldn't give hundred percent in any friendship.

each time i give myself away, it comes back ten thousand times worst then a million piercing knives. and fuck i don't want to be pessimistic and think the worst of every single friendship/relationship i keep; i want so much to give, and truly i try expecting nothing.. and it works. unless its someone who fucking means something to you.

and then it gets hard.

so dont you blame me for building up my defences.. im sorry i break easily.

i wish that you would know that each time i saw you; or thought of you; my heart burns because you've managed to hurt me in the worst way possible. yet there is nothing i can do to forget you, because you have been someone who has made my life so special -- and in the best way possible. yet pain overwhelms my emotions and i can't help but feel a growing incantated hatred rising in me. because i could never reconcile with the fact that someone i love so much can destroy me within a matter of minutes.

and so it is.. i really really hate you for doing this to me.
this is me. selfish or selfless, defensive or defenceless, i am what you make me out to be.

truly, having someone love you doesnt make your world go round. how right you turned out to be. you've just sent my world crashing down. whatever i've believed in has now become a blur, and now i feel lost.


i'm feeling rather inbalance tonight. i cried. i dunno how tears can so successful roll down my cheeks. i tried very hard not too. but i just cant help it when my parents got back. i was almost frustrated. frustated with myself and maybe the world. the cause i cant really explain. but i was frustrated with who i am, frustrated of many many things i've done. "if i could be this" and "if i could be that" keep popping up in my head. i'm a nobody. i realise i'm really a nobody. i'm not worth much. i'm feeling so pathetic i cant keep many things under my control.
i hate who i am. i hate the way i am. i'm sorry i had to make my parents upset. i just dun understand why do i have to make their life abit more difficult. why sometimes i cant hide those tears from them... i wonder. maybe sometimes the more i wanna seem strong, i become weak. weak infront of the pple u feel a sense of closeness. i realise how vulnerable i am...