LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING

Emotions fucks me up and often, they lead me over to decisions that are really tough to make or feel like killing myself for the compliments that I have spewed all over you because they just go to waste like the filthy dirt you swipe off your computer table. It is not that I failed to try. I tried way too many times. "Sometimes not caring too much is the cure." My mind subconsciously kept going over that line over and over again like a mantra. I am tired. It feels like as if I stained my school skirt when I have my period and it sucks cos it's tiring to keep rushing to the toilet to remove that stupid stain so that none of my schoolmates could see it. The best part is, I keep staining it. I always do when I have my period. So it always becomes a chore when I have my period because I have to keep doing that. Like zzz lame/sian right the feeling? Main point is... I'm tired of always doing the shitty small things to let things slide and when small shitty things accumulate, it isn't so small anymore. It becomes this whole chunk of bullshit that I am sick and tired of dealing with all the freaking time. Don't you get it? Like ever? I'm terribly sick of it all. I just want to run home and sleep on my bed with a thick towel laid on it and just not care anymore. Penat lah penat penat penat bingung penat sakit hati sedih penat!

That aside, today (or rather last evening) I met Ketam and Vic. It's been such a long long long long long time since the last time we met up so we did. Ketam treated us to dinner (which he ought to a long time ago anyway) and then we accompanied him to get some stuff at City Hall. Initially it was just us three when Jaz texted me saying that he bought for me something and me being Sha, of course I wanted it like there and then lah so we met up. By the way thanks ah pakcik. K moving on, all four of us walked around Marina & Bugis like mad people cos Ketam was in his own world of hxc shopping spree and I was really fucking pissed off over something but all was okay when we went to Nabin's to end the day off. But I was still pissy. No seriously, I was, ask Jaz. I thought the night ended there when Ketam left for home in a cab at about 2am but Vic, Jaz and I found ourselves piling up the fatz from Macs in the shophouse at 7. They left at 10 and I started work. Yeah so right now, here am I supposedly doing more stock taking cos there's a new line of fabrics just in about three hours ago but I'm still feeling really smelly, yucky, mad and sad. I just want to run home, shower and bury myself under my blanket.

I really have nothing else to say to you cos you already chop one big fucker on my forehead. That is really saddening cos fact is, you're the one who fails to see things in my point of view. You hated all of my friends, you said my family was nonsense and can no longer stand their bullshit, and now you say that if I love you, I'd go to any extent. Any extent? Kau pikir aku ape? Baruah kau? I tried to pujok you but nak jual mahal pulak, nak step mana punya anak raja. Ade ade je if I go out and meet my friends and enjoy, ade je nak membebel. Tak syg mulot? I just browsed through our fiveyrplan blog and it's all bullshit. You just texted me saying that I should mean what I say... Read all those post I entered since day 1 and tell me in my face that what I texted you last night meant nothing to you? I gave you the world, heck, you had me in the palm of your hand. Now, seriously, sit down and tell me what was it you really wanted? Cos I honestly thought I gave it all... Well I must have thought wrongly. Look at where we are right now.